


Next Time You See Me

by flootzavut



Series: Next Time [1]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: 35th anniversary, Angst, Episode Related, Episode: s11e16 Goodbye Farewell and Amen, Epistolary, Friendship, Gen or Pre-Slash, Goodbyes, Letters, M/M, POV First Person, Rage eats a chicken, Season/Series 11, nexttimeverse, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 03:18:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13825356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: "Go. What are you waiting for?""I don't know, I... I just thought there might be something we wanted to say to each other before I left.""So tell me the next time you see me."En route to Guam, BJ writes to Hawkeye.





	Next Time You See Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts).



* * *

_**Next Time You See Me**_

* * *

 

> Dear Hawk,
> 
> So I'm en route to Guam, heading for home, my wife, my little girl's birthday party, and all I can think about is you.
> 
> You have to know, I hated leaving that way. I'm trying to pack my things and write you a note, I have this chopper pilot at my elbow hustling me, saying we have to leave right now, and all the things I want to tell you are rattling around in my head and there's too much, and I don't know where to even start. It isn't that I didn't want to say goodbye. Of everyone at the 4077th, you were the one I wanted to say goodbye to the most. No, that's not true; you're the one I never want to say goodbye to, if I can help it. ~~Hawk, I~~ But I wanted to say au revoir.
> 
> We will see each other again, Hawk. I'll make sure of it. ~~I can't lose you~~ As long as you want to, as long as you'll forgive me for leaving like I did. As long as you read this letter rather than burning it.
> 
> I'm going to miss you. This place, this war, was terrible, but if I hadn't found you, I don't know what I would've done. I don't know how to put into words how grateful I am I had you to keep me sane. Or how sorry I am that in the end, I didn't manage to do the same for you. God, I hope Sidney can help you, Hawk. ~~You scared me~~ I'm worried about you. You didn't deserve any of that ~~shit~~
> 
> It's not you I'm angry at, it's the stupid war and all the horrors we saw, and especially what it did to you. You didn't deserve to be put through that, Hawkeye. You're a fine doctor and a fine man. I'm proud to call you my friend ~~and I~~
> 
> A letter is never going to be enough, is it? Not for either of us.
> 
> I'm sitting here scribbling at this thing, and I don't even know if I'll send it. Maybe I should scrounge up the money somehow to fly out to Maine as soon as I know you're back. Get Klinger to help. He's good at this stuff. Or maybe Radar is still in touch with his networks and can get me a flight on a military aircraft. What's one body to a military transport? I'm telling you, they don't care I'm on this one. They ordered me home, but they barely lifted a finger to get me there. All this rush and hassle and I'm no more than another piece of luggage, and even then, I'll only be a third of the way to San Francisco when I reach Guam.
> 
> I can't believe that once this is all over, I'm going to be almost as far from you as I was from my wife and my baby girl the whole time I was in Korea. It doesn't seem possible you won't be right there in a cot four feet away, or at the next operating table, or at my shoulder. I feel as if I'm losing ~~my brother~~ my right arm.
> 
> What am I going to do without you, Hawkeye? ~~I love~~
> 
> I never would have survived the journey from Kimpo without you, Hawk, you know that, right? I love Radar, he's a great kid, but if you hadn't been with us... even if we'd made it back, they would've sent me to Sidney. I would've been lost, maybe forever.
> 
> I wish I could tell you all this in person.
> 
> I don't even have your address. This is crazy. 'Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Crabapple Cove, Maine.' That's all I've got. Will that work? Are you a legend in your hometown like you were a legend in Korea, Hawk? I'm only a few hours away, and already I'm starting to feel as if I invented the whole thing. Nowhere could be that awful. No situation could be that desperate and horrific. ~~No single person could be everything you~~
> 
> How could anyone dream you up, Hawk?
> 
> I've been sitting here the whole flight trying to write something that will make amends for leaving the way I did. Something that will tell you how much you've meant to me and how much I'm going to miss you. But I don't have the words. I don't know if anyone has the words to say all the things I want to say. If you were sitting here right next to me, I still don't know if I could put it into words. ~~I wish you were sitting here~~
> 
> I guess I should try, even if I don't know how to get this to you or if you'll forgive me enough to read it before you throw it out. If this is the last thing I get to say to you, then you deserve the best words I can find.
> 
> I hate this war, but I can't regret it as much as I should. It took so much from us all, but it gave me you. I love you, Hawkeye. You're the best friend I've ever had, you got me through this (mostly) in one piece, and even though every minute gets me closer to home, closer to my wife and my daughter, there's a part of me still in Korea because of you. And it's not even that I want it back. I just want to keep you in my life. Everyone at the 4077th became family, but you... you are so much more.
> 
> Forgive me, Hawk. I didn't want it to end like this.
> 
> ~~Yours~~
> 
> Love, your Beej

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up one morning with this idea in my head that would not shut up - largely, I think, because that snippet of conversation breaks my heart and I suspect it also broke BJ's. When I realised it was almost 35 years after the first broadcast of 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen', I decided I'd save this story for the anniversary.
> 
> This is also a big (angsty) thank you to the MASH fandom for being a really welcoming, friendly, supportive fandom. (Tiny fandoms ftw!) You're wonderful ♥️♥️♥️
> 
> As always, for onekisstotakewithme, because it's all her fault ;D
> 
> (No chickens were harmed in the writing of this fanfic. I cannot guarantee chicken safety upon reading.)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Next Time I See You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14402784) by [flootzavut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut)




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